best dreams to shame

God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.

the hand of god

and then i remembered what He promised me..

compline

After Alpha tonight, I was invited to participate in Compline. An evening prayer which was completely foreign to me.

We used the Compline prayer from The Book of Common Prayer of the Church of Ireland.

It was so incredibly special. It was just the three of us speaking these ancient words of worship in unison and it was so powerful. I can't really explain it - it was just intimate and focused and amazing.

As I drove home, I thought how crazy it was that there were people all over the words speaking, praying Compline tonight, perhaps even simultaneously.

church shopping

well..

i've been looking for a home church for quite some time but today i decided to get really serious about it. i can't tell you what pushed me over the line from contemplation to action - but at 6:10p i found myself walking up a few stairs to the front door of an unfamiliar church for evening prayer and low mass.

there is always a sense of trepidation when i enter a new church for the first time unaccompanied. not that i think lightning will strike but i sometimes wonder. i almost expect someone to ask me what i'm doing there or escort me out. luckily this usually never happens and tonight was no exception.

in fact, everyone was quite welcoming and it felt somehow as if i had come home.

to seek God unencumbered

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

my uncle has died.

i put this fact aside. so that i could survive the day. it meant nothing to me. i didn't feel it. it didn't connect.

until it did.

i was at my desk, analyzing a client portfolio. 12 asian currencies.
and i felt it - like an icicle through my chest.
a panic.

i wanted my sister. i needed to see her.
i wanted the dearest of my life close to me.
i thought of my parents, my grandparents.
my lovers, my friends..

and how all of it is so
tentative.

my silly puppy. the grass so green.
a warm & sunny day with a slight breeze.
all of my favorite things.

is heaven really better than what i've got
right this very minute?

for everyone i've ever loved
that has crossed that divide
i sure hope so.

as fucked as my life is -
and trust, it is a very fucked up thing.

i'm grateful for it's beauty
it's magic
it's wonders

and i'm sad that my uncle
doesn't have those things anymore.

heaven is probably much simpler than that.

it's just God
and nothing else.

the presence of God
and the absence of everything else.

that must be it.

no winter

there is no winter like death

i watch him labor to breathe, his face no longer his own, he has become almost a stranger to me now. perhaps, most certainly a stranger to himself.

lifelessness grows stronger in his body everyday. everyday we pray for a miracle and everyday that miracle does not come.

my aunt is a wife. she is at his side everyday. she is fighting with doctors and nurses and administrators to get them to do something, anything to save him. her love is fierce. i've never seen such passion. and she will not acquiesce.

it hurts to witness because there is nothing to be done. i cannot save him. i cannot soothe him. i cannot ease this transition.

if death is relief and transcendence to a painless realm, why does it wear such an unhappy mask?

and this is how i spend my lunch: teary eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. walking back to the office, i take a deep breath and realize spring is here. the bradford pear trees are in full bloom and the cherry blossoms are close behind.

just when i feel completely forlorn, god sends me spring.