the endless pursuit of romantic love

Without hesitation, the Dalai Lama said,

I think that, leaving aside how the endless pursuit of romantic love may affect our deeper spiritual growth, even from the perspective of a conventional way of life, the idealization of this romantic love can be seen as extreme. Unlike those relationships based on caring and genuine affection, this is another matter. It cannot be seen as a positive thing. It's something that is based on fantasy, unattainable, and therefore may be a source of frustration. So, on that basis it cannot be seen as a good thing.

The Art of Happiness, The Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

the breakup season

her: i love you. i can't imagine my life without you.
him: i think we should stop communicating. this is not good for either of us.

wow. do people really break up over text?

hk and i are finished

yep. so hk called. two weeks ago he wanted something more. then a few days later he changed his mind and said we should leave things as they are. last saturday, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and that it was up to me whether or not we were friends. as of yesterday he was still 'collecting his thoughts'

enough.

and then hk calls..

i really wasn't sure if i would hear from him again. we got into it over text - and i'm not quite sure how we left it.

the thing is i love the man - i just can't go back to the way things were. i can't change it by myself. it's hard to believe a relationship can transition to something different, something better, when it's been that less than lovely thing for so long.

the bottom line is i'm not convinced and i don't know what it would take to get me there. i want to believe but i don't know if i can.

either way, i deserve something better. whether it's with him or someone else.

missing hk

i miss him today.

i'll admit it to myself. it explains why sia's breathe me has been on repeat.

a life of constant subtraction

it feels as if there is always, always a subtraction.

always this loss, this reduction - a friend with whom i have reached an impasse, the boy that is no longer, the job that has become work, the store that has shut its doors, the food that no longer gives such pleasure, the life that fails to satisfy.

the love that has deflated.

where is the addition? where is that new bliss? that extra thing that augments the human experience?

i am so exhausted of losing the things that bring me joy and being unable to replace them.

turning your back

it's tempting to be polite. to play nice. to be concerned. maybe even understanding. especially to people who seem to have always been around. but just because they've been around doesn't mean they've been there.

at first, it's about taking space. giving each other time to 'do you'. but the space isn't far enough. the time isn't long enough.

it's not about mood as much as it is about utility.

we grow. and that doesn't mean that we necessarily outgrow people.
(it really isn't a race)

but time grants perspective. and the ability to see things, people and places in a different light. a light, that perhaps, you weren't courageous enough to turn on earlier.

sometimes you have to say goodbye.

so happy with nothing

at a recent dinner, a girlfriend commented that 'we have become so happy with nothing'. and it stayed with me. perhaps the way she said it made it resonate so. with such loathing. with such disappointment. with complete and utter disgust. who are the 'we'? women? blacks? americans? me.

how do you get yourself moving after being satisfied with nothing for so long?
what makes you want more?