rahm emanuel as chief of staff

good cop bad cop, anyone? it's definitely exciting to have a chief of staff with chops. chicago comes to washington.

michelle obama - 'our commander in sheath'

i am curious how michelle obama's style will change as she takes office. her dress on election night was a bit polarizing. alot of people hated it. one can definitely concede that no other first lady would have worn it, it was not 'safe'. and personally, it grew on me. the more i saw the dress, as it has been captured in billions of photos memorializing the historic win, the more it grew on me.

my favorite so far was her look maria pinto purple sheath worn when barack clinched the democratic nomination.

the one thing i can say about her style thus far is that she has made embellishments her signature. unfortunately, i am not a huge fan of embellishments. but i am a huge fan of having a signature trademark.

check out her style thus far.

our national love story

it's so nice to have a political couple whose romance isn't dead. there's something about the chemistry between the two - you can't deny it's sincerity. i hope their love story becomes a part of our nation's future.

alicia keys separates from phillip morris

alicia keys separates from phillip morris who was promoting her concert in jakarta.
it's great to see a celebrity take a stand even if it hits them in the pocket.

southwest airlines :: love the luv

fuel hedges are keeping LUV above the fray. southwest has and continues to use derivative contracts to hedge their fuel costs - as crude oil trades at $146 per barrel they are paying approximately $61 per barrel.

gotta love the luv - 69 consecutive quarters of profit.

the obama new yorker cover

satire? really?

i agree with bill burton of the obama campaign that it is excessively "tasteless and offensive". and i know alot of people are not - but i am shocked that the new yorker even printed it. despite the response by, david remnick, the editor of the new yorker.

obama, michelle and the girls

i *loved* the access hollywood interview with obama and the fam. his daughters are adorable. watching this gave me the biggest warm fuzzy. it's a shame he's decided not to do it again - the girls are great1

brinkley-cook divorce trial

the drama. i cannot imagine putting myself and my kids through such a messy trial. their dirty laundry is everywhere. but i would probably do anything to keep my kids.

archbishop of canterbury: the waterless pit

i so enjoyed the archbishop of canterbury's sermon at york minster..

"That's the waterless pit indeed - where we struggle ceaselessly, unrelentingly, to make ourselves more right, and to lay hold upon our future. We lay upon ourselves a heavy yoke, from which only the grace of Jesus Christ can deliver us. In a nutshell, we lay upon ourselves the yoke of desperate seriousness about ourselves."

damages will return

i am so excited to get confirmation that damages will return to fx as early as january 2009. woo hoo!

wanted: mcavoy & jolie

i was really excited about seeing this movie until i started watching it. in the beginning - i considered leaving because the idea of watching james mcavoy for another 2 hours was painful. but once he began his training in earnest - i couldn't take my eyes off of him.

he was a stand-out in an otherwise desperately boring 'atonement' and he more than holds his own against the stunning angelina jolie.

highly recommend.

it has looked very, very bad

"God, I trust that you will make alright something that to me looks very, very bad."

one can have an incredibly terrible situation - seemingly impossible to get through - and somehow in the end it all works out in your bene. not only that but you can look back and actually be grateful for the drama because not only has it made you better but it has quite actually made you good.

the hand of god

and then i remembered what He promised me..

compline

After Alpha tonight, I was invited to participate in Compline. An evening prayer which was completely foreign to me.

We used the Compline prayer from The Book of Common Prayer of the Church of Ireland.

It was so incredibly special. It was just the three of us speaking these ancient words of worship in unison and it was so powerful. I can't really explain it - it was just intimate and focused and amazing.

As I drove home, I thought how crazy it was that there were people all over the words speaking, praying Compline tonight, perhaps even simultaneously.

one bad week

i've been doing great with the running - at least 4x a week - until this week.
how is that i can have almost a month of greatness and then i fall off the wagon for one week and i feel god awful about myself.

the funny thing is next time i run i'll be faster and it will feel great - but right now i just feel terribly horribly guilty..

why is that i can have weeks of awesome performance but one bad week and i'm destroyed?

church shopping

well..

i've been looking for a home church for quite some time but today i decided to get really serious about it. i can't tell you what pushed me over the line from contemplation to action - but at 6:10p i found myself walking up a few stairs to the front door of an unfamiliar church for evening prayer and low mass.

there is always a sense of trepidation when i enter a new church for the first time unaccompanied. not that i think lightning will strike but i sometimes wonder. i almost expect someone to ask me what i'm doing there or escort me out. luckily this usually never happens and tonight was no exception.

in fact, everyone was quite welcoming and it felt somehow as if i had come home.

scenes from connecticut

ode to the party girl

weekend in old saybrook, ct

I'm up in Connecticut with the family for the weekend - celebrating my cousin's graduation from Brown. Of course, it's wonderful to chill with family but it is fantastic to just escape. Disappear from my life, the city, my place & the routine.

rainy saturday

today began with such good intentions. meandering through g street fabrics for a bit of inspiration. a run up 16th street. but never once did i think of staying in.. i slept in a little too long and now it's raining..

i'm an auntie!

finding my way back to 'fit'

ok. it's the beginning of spring and time to start fighting my way back to a leaner me. went for my first run since december sunday afternoon and let me tell you it was difficult. my quads are beyond sore - when i sit, walk, stretch - move period.

it's almost 10pm - i'm just getting home from work - and i am exhausted with still more work to complete. but i have got to force my way downstairs to the gym. i've got to make time for it.

dc cherry blossoms

they really are that beautiful.
and well worth the cold and crowd that we endured to enjoy them.

Condoleezza Rice on Race

"Descendants of slaves did not get much of a head start, and I think you continue to see some of the effects of that.. That particular birth defect makes it hard for us to confront it, hard for us to talk about it, and hard for us to realize that it has continuing relevance for who we are today,"

"What I would like understood as a black American is that black Americans loved and had faith in this country even when this country didn't love and have faith in them — and that's our legacy."

From the March 28th interview with The Washington Times

the sexiest ticket: obama&richardson

Barack Obama: A More Perfect Union

for my valentine

the cat came back..

i think hk is like the yellow cat.
(i loved this when i was a kid)
enjoy.

the breakup season

her: i love you. i can't imagine my life without you.
him: i think we should stop communicating. this is not good for either of us.

wow. do people really break up over text?

hk and i are finished

yep. so hk called. two weeks ago he wanted something more. then a few days later he changed his mind and said we should leave things as they are. last saturday, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and that it was up to me whether or not we were friends. as of yesterday he was still 'collecting his thoughts'

enough.

been down so long..

i'm so blue. i feel like a mark rothko painting. been down so long - not quite sure how to get up. what is it going to take to get me out of this funk? my world can't possibly be as bad as i feel it is.

where do i even start?

the gym? some natural endorphins might be just what i need. if i can only drag myself there.. alas, tomorrow is a new day.

and then hk calls..

i really wasn't sure if i would hear from him again. we got into it over text - and i'm not quite sure how we left it.

the thing is i love the man - i just can't go back to the way things were. i can't change it by myself. it's hard to believe a relationship can transition to something different, something better, when it's been that less than lovely thing for so long.

the bottom line is i'm not convinced and i don't know what it would take to get me there. i want to believe but i don't know if i can.

either way, i deserve something better. whether it's with him or someone else.

missing hk

i miss him today.

i'll admit it to myself. it explains why sia's breathe me has been on repeat.

a life of constant subtraction

it feels as if there is always, always a subtraction.

always this loss, this reduction - a friend with whom i have reached an impasse, the boy that is no longer, the job that has become work, the store that has shut its doors, the food that no longer gives such pleasure, the life that fails to satisfy.

the love that has deflated.

where is the addition? where is that new bliss? that extra thing that augments the human experience?

i am so exhausted of losing the things that bring me joy and being unable to replace them.

turning your back

it's tempting to be polite. to play nice. to be concerned. maybe even understanding. especially to people who seem to have always been around. but just because they've been around doesn't mean they've been there.

at first, it's about taking space. giving each other time to 'do you'. but the space isn't far enough. the time isn't long enough.

it's not about mood as much as it is about utility.

we grow. and that doesn't mean that we necessarily outgrow people.
(it really isn't a race)

but time grants perspective. and the ability to see things, people and places in a different light. a light, that perhaps, you weren't courageous enough to turn on earlier.

sometimes you have to say goodbye.

the brooklyn kid

who is the brooklyn kid?

he is a shorter, leaner, more freckled version of matt damon. we used to work together - lunch buddies. then i left and we didn't see each other for months. and then we started hanging out almost every weekend for a summer. some of my best times in dc were with him that summer.

one night, we went to a tiny little german restaurant on capitol hill. we ate outside in a garden, at a table lit with candles. he introduced me to the berliner weisse - a beer spiked with a raspberry syrup.

another we walked around the monuments in the wee hours of the morning until dawn. we talked about past relationships until the sun rose on the potomac.

i admit, i do not have the best situational awareness, and he was constantly looking after me. i didn't notice the guy passed out in the vestibule of his apartment building. or see the homeless guy coming towards me as we left the dubliner in sheets of rain at 1am. of course, i got caught up talking to the guy, while he ran towards the car and then had to come back for me - he didn't realize i had stopped.

i was devastated when he left dc. there were plenty of secret tears.

in short, he is one of my dearest friends. we always have a fantastic time together. and i'm certain scotland will be exceptional.

edinburgh, scotland

48 days until i leave for scotland!

i'm going to scotland

i'm going to scotland for a week with the brooklyn kid.
imagine that.

so happy with nothing

at a recent dinner, a girlfriend commented that 'we have become so happy with nothing'. and it stayed with me. perhaps the way she said it made it resonate so. with such loathing. with such disappointment. with complete and utter disgust. who are the 'we'? women? blacks? americans? me.

how do you get yourself moving after being satisfied with nothing for so long?
what makes you want more?

when the sun shines, we'll shine together

a bit of rihanna to get us going..

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

a life at low flame

One can live at a low flame. Most people do. For some, life is an exercise in moderation (best china saved for special occasions), but given something like death, what does it matter if one looks foolish now and then, or tries too hard, or cares too deeply?"
Diane Ackerman

The Art of Making Possible

My entrance into the world of so-called "social problems"
Must be with quiet laughter, or not at all.
The hollow men of anger and bitterness
The bountiful ladies of righteous degradation
All must be left to a bygone age.
And the purpose of history is to provide a receptacle
For all those myths and oddments
Which oddly we have acquired
And from which we would become unburdened
To create a newer world
To transform the future into the present.
We have no need of false revolutions
In a world where categories tend to tyrannize our minds
And hang our wills up on narrow pegs.
It is well at every given moment to seek the limits in our lives.
And once those limits are understood
To understand that limitations no longer exist.
Earth could be fair. And you and I must be free
Not to save the world in a glorious crusade
Not to kill ourselves with a nameless gnawing pain
But to practice with all the skill of our being
The art of making possible.

Nancy Scheibner

Between the Hammers

between the hammers
our heart endures,
just as the tongue does
between the teeth and,
despite that,
still is able to praise..

Rainer Maria Rilke

i run to pray.

nothing quiets me or humbles me so like a good run. and in those tortured moments it is so obvious how God can take me beyond myself. and afterwards, when my heart is still racing - and i am absolutely shocked that i made it through - all i can do is thank him and praise him for another run.

but it's not just the run i am thankful for it is every brick wall that he has brought me through. and if i can just keep believing he will keep doing it. and even when i can't believe. even when i am quite certain that i am done, if i can just force myself to take a few more steps, he will show up for me.

that crazy God always shows up for me.
thank you.

i don't want to lie. i can't tell the truth.

i don't want to lie. i can't tell the truth. so, it's over.

i hate lies.

the only thing i hate more than lies are the people who tell them.
to some closer was a movie about cheating. but to me, it seemed more about lying.
lying to yourself and the people you care about.

the worst part of the movie was that conversation towards the end with jude law and natalie portman.

jude law knew natalie portman had slept with clive owen (when jude law was with julia roberts) but he wanted to hear her say it. he knew natalie loved him, that she 'preferred him' but that wasn't enough. natalie wasn't with jude when she did it - but he wanted to know - not even know because he already knew - he wanted her to confess. it wasn't as if she cheated because they weren't together, jude law had already left her for julia roberts.

he wanted to humiliate her. to expose her. and it was so ugly.

that movie showed some of the worst of human behavior - manipulation.

tour fever - floyd landis

i spent most of july glued to my tv watching oln's coverage of tour de france.
addictive. absolutely addictive.

i've never watched the tour before but i was watching it twice a day.
i don't know if it was because i just got my very first road bike or what.
but i couldn't get away from it.

when floyd landis bonked in stage 16 i was heartbroken.
when he came back in stage17 - i was so inspired.
it was the ride of a lifetime.
incredible.

and now the rumors of testosterone patch on his scrotum.
i refuse to believe it.
refuse.

one dare not disobey

when a mystery
is too overpowering,
one dare not disobey.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

i taste oceans

head tilted
i taste oceans
i have never seen

turquoise waves
caress
thighs & arms

floating
towards oblivion

you whisper
my name
softly, sweetly
with a kiss

and i am revived

fallen blossoms

fallen blossoms do not return to branches;
a broken mirror does not again reflect.
Japanese Proverb

Sometimes there is the desire to move backwards. Perhaps to correct it somehow. As if it is in my power to improve the past, to make it manageable, to make it pretty.

Is it guilt?
Is it faithlessness?

The past cannot save you.
It need not condemn you either.

Move forward.
Let the petals lay where they fall.

despite the hunger

Despite the hunger
we cannot possess
more than this:
Peace
in a garden
of our own.
Alice Walker

like the numbers of a small child

"The only thing that makes me truly happy is mathematics, snow, ice, numbers. To me, the number system is like human life. First you have the natural numbers, the ones that are whole and positive, like the numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands, and the child discovers longing.

Do you know the mathematical expression for longing?

Negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you're missing something. Then the child discovers the in-between spaces, between stones, between people, between numbers, and that produces fractions. But it's like a kind of madness, because it doesn't even stop there. It never stops. There are numbers that we can't even begin to comprehend. Mathematics is a vast open landscape. You head towards the horizon that is always receding... like Greenland.

And that's... that's what I can't live without."

Smilla's Sense of Snow

crisis is an opportunity

it surprises me,
those who are here
checking on me
praying for me
holding my hand
during this misery
and those who have
disappeared - entirely.

i get it though.

i am almost a stranger
even to myself.
it seems part of me is lost.
i doubt she will ever come back again.

change isn't always a disaster

por ejemplo

a friend that i talked to
every month or so
in a casual kind of way
has become this rock
for me.

she has just asserted herself
in my life
in this pleasant and deeply concerned
way

i knew we were friends
but i didn't think we
could be friends
in the
i-know-you-need-me
and-don't-know-how-to-ask
but-that's-ok-because-you
don't-have-to
kind of way

crisis
is an opportunity
to really love
someone

and you either
take it
or you don't

the bandaged heart

the slightest thing can move me
one way or the other.

life has been divided
into before and after.

i lived with my grandmother
almost my entire life
she was a second mother.

how does one let that go?

she was a friend
a dear friend
and now we're separated

i miss her wink
the way she called my name
how she would tilt her head
and laugh - eyes closed

and i am so
fucking pissed
that she is not here
for me to love
anymore

but i am trying
very hard
to get over it.

kindness & sympathy

there has just been an outpouring of kindness and sympathy
from family, from friends, from strangers.

thank you.

any kindness i can show

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.
William Penn

my grandmother has died.

Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion
Dylan Thomas

i feel she has been ripped from my breast.
snatched so quickly.

yet i know she was suffering.
i know this is a blessing.

but i am only human
and i can't understand that.

i can't believe
that she belongs
where i am not.

does god really expect for me to get that?

it will be one week tomorrow.

a week ago tonight was the last time i saw her breathing.
she was sleeping so heavily, not to be roused, but breathing.

i left work and raced to the house.
the undertaker was in the kitchen,

in her bed, she appeared to be sleeping.
i didn't want them to take her.
i didn't believe she was dead.
i didn't believe it.

i watched them wheel her
in a bag
down the deck.

it is that image that
haunts me now.

the bag was only zipped to her neck.
it was brown.

all the flowers have wilted

all the flowers have wilted
and i don't know when the sun will come again.

my grandmother is dying.

she went to the hospital in the middle of the week.
she was there for three days.
there's nothing that can be done.
she came home on friday.

all we can do is make her comfortable.

she needs care almost around the clock.

i spent the weekend at my mother's trying to help.
feeling so horribly inadequate.

when i first saw her she looked like a corpse.
a morphine induced sleep.
her body so still. so pale. i didn't think she was breathing.

cancer has just shrunk her.
she is barely clinging to 100lbs.
her lips, her eyes, everything seems so small.

a storm in my heart.

i see myself disappearing.

i spent the entire day in bed.
half-crying and half-sleeping.

i haven't eaten.
i haven't been outdoors.

i'm not hungry. i'm not sleepy.
i'm not even tired.

my eyes are just leaking.

it seems everyday - i get closer to losing all that is dear to me.
it all seems to be disappearing.

it is my own passion that will be my very undoing.
i want to be indifferent.

death is here.
and he won't let me go.

and my greatest failure
is that i cannot make myself
care less.

to seek God unencumbered

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

my uncle has died.

i put this fact aside. so that i could survive the day. it meant nothing to me. i didn't feel it. it didn't connect.

until it did.

i was at my desk, analyzing a client portfolio. 12 asian currencies.
and i felt it - like an icicle through my chest.
a panic.

i wanted my sister. i needed to see her.
i wanted the dearest of my life close to me.
i thought of my parents, my grandparents.
my lovers, my friends..

and how all of it is so
tentative.

my silly puppy. the grass so green.
a warm & sunny day with a slight breeze.
all of my favorite things.

is heaven really better than what i've got
right this very minute?

for everyone i've ever loved
that has crossed that divide
i sure hope so.

as fucked as my life is -
and trust, it is a very fucked up thing.

i'm grateful for it's beauty
it's magic
it's wonders

and i'm sad that my uncle
doesn't have those things anymore.

heaven is probably much simpler than that.

it's just God
and nothing else.

the presence of God
and the absence of everything else.

that must be it.

birds in cages

"if only i could live and so serve the world that after me there should never again be birds in cages."
-Isak Dinesen (pen name of Karen Blixen)