welcome to miami

in key biscayne for 72 hours and the weather is luscious. i had forgotten how beautiful it is here.

death changes those left behind

"When we mourn our losses we also mourn ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all."
-Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

losing someone changes you forever. death changes those left behind. always, a part of you is buried with the one you love and that doesn't change. the mourning and the grief will subside and the emotions will calm but your very person is changed. the rhythm of your life has changed. the arc of your joy has changed. forever.

in a country that praises independence we fail to understand this. when you love someone you forge a connection and that changes who you are and when they disappear you change again. it's not as if they never lived but that they live no longer.

there is no shame in connection. there is no shame in the disruption that disconnection creates. it just feels that way because all around the grieving person the world continues on.

"A single person is missing for you and the whole world is empty."

the year of magical thinking - joan didion

i wandered into barnes & noble on tuesday night looking for something. i stumbled upon this book. i had heard good things about the book how it chronicled the loss of her husband.

i cried and cried and cried through this book. it was so truly beautiful. it was so honest and i identified with so much that she shared about her grieving process which is so personal and chaotic. i didn't know that she was episcopalian. i didn't know that her husband was also a writer.

i needed this book.

"i realize how open we are to the persistent message that we can avert death. And to it's punitive correlative, the message that if death catches us we have only ourselves to blame."

"I know why we try to keep the dead alive; we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us... There is a point at which we must relinquish the dead, let them go, keep them dead."

i'll probably be posting bits and pieces from this book for a while.

a newness of person

(there is this sense that i am moving forward alone
into a newness of person
somewhat unaccompanied; despite great friends & family
my truest companion
completely unseen)

new life bursting through death

this is a great video of rowan williams, archbishop of canterbury, discussing lent.
it's not about gloom but 'new life bursting through death'.

a lenten theme song: 'dead & gone'

i keep hearing 'dead & gone' by t.i. & justin timberlake on the radio. it is officially my lenten theme song for 2009:

Ohh, I've been traveling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone
dead and gone

i don't really care too much for christian music. i tend to not really care for the music itself and alot of the lyrics seem to, in some way, have already arrived...

i definitely feel like my christianity is still seeking.
yet even now, i am so different from who i used to be...

I turn my head to the east
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north,
swallow that pill
that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone,
The new me will be alright

salvation with fear and trembling

Sacrifice of Isaac, Caravaggio, 1603

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
Philippians 2:12

work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

fear and trembling. hmmm... i'm not a biblical scholar but i've never felt this as a call to terror but perhaps a call to rigor.

this is something that feels especially relevant during lent as i aim to fulfill my sacred disciplines.

but i think the "work out your own" is pivotal. work out/your own. it's a directive. it's personal. a call to action.

make your salvation mean something to you. make Christ mean something to you. reach into His sacrifice and do something with it. take it seriously.

sweat with it.

the endless pursuit of romantic love

Without hesitation, the Dalai Lama said,

I think that, leaving aside how the endless pursuit of romantic love may affect our deeper spiritual growth, even from the perspective of a conventional way of life, the idealization of this romantic love can be seen as extreme. Unlike those relationships based on caring and genuine affection, this is another matter. It cannot be seen as a positive thing. It's something that is based on fantasy, unattainable, and therefore may be a source of frustration. So, on that basis it cannot be seen as a good thing.

The Art of Happiness, The Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

the lenten disciplines

it's funny - many people participate in keeping a lenten discipline almost to the point that one might consider it a secular endeavor. how do i keep my lenten disciplines holy? how does one observe a meaningful lent?

how does one even begin to prepare their hearts for the journey towards easter? how can one make lent meaningful and transformative in their life?

it's days after ash wednesday and i am not entirely satisfied with my lenten disciplines. i have renounced alcohol and verbal obscenities. but somehow it doesn't seem enough. for now, those are the very specific disciplines i have decided to keep.

also, i've decided to lessen. to spend less. eat less. entertain myself less. all in an effort to make my life a little smaller so that i might possibly see more of God in it. honor Him more through it. and perhaps even participate somehow in Christ's temptation in the desert.

somehow i still feel as if i should include something - add something additional to my plate.

i've started reading alexander schmemann's great lent journey to pascha to help me get some bearings on Lent and how to truly take advantage of this season of 'bright sadness'.

the lenten prayer of st. ephraim the syrian

O Lord and Master of My Life!
Take from me the spirit of sloth,
faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk.
But give rather the spirit of chastity,
humility, patience and love to Thy Servant.
Yea, O Lord and King!
Grant me to see my own errors
and not to judge my brother;
For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages.
Amen
Great Lent: Journey to Pascha, Alexander Schmemann

Ash Wednesday

"Memento, homo ... quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris"
"Remember, man, you are dust and to dust you will return."

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e.cummings

happy valentine's day

i received this over email this afternoon. isn't this sweet? barack keeping her warm in his jacket.

may all the ladies find a man that loves them so...

cocktail wednesdays at the white house

Politico reports that the obama's will have a standing wednesday night cocktail hour. isn't that just charming? obamatinis, anyone?

wrigley's drops chris brown

apparently, wrigley's wasted no time in "suspending" chris brown's ad campaign for doublemint.

rihanna & chris brown

chris brown has "allegedly" assaulted rihanna to the point she has visible wounds. from all reports, it seems unclear what happened. what is equally disturbing is the notion that she could have somehow provoked him to the point that she "deserved" it. there is absolutely no excuse for domestic violence. none. men should not hit women, period. and vice versa.

i surely hope that they are both ok.
and that our culture can evolve to the point where our conversations about such an incident don't begin with:

"what'd she do?"

for what it's worth, it's never too late..

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I thought this was an absurdly profound movie and any similarities to Forrest Gump superficial at best.

malia the photographer

it was so cute. all the pictures of malia taking pictures of the inauguration festivities.

dr. jill's inaugural gown

this was my favorite inaugural gown, designed by reem acra. how can one go wrong with red silk chiffon?

the inaugural benediction

God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, thou, who has brought us thus far along the way, thou, who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met thee, lest our hearts drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee.

Shadowed beneath thy hand, may we forever stand true to thee, oh God, and true to our native land.

We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we've shared this day.

We pray now, oh Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration.

He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national, and indeed the global, fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hands, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations.

Our faith does not shrink though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.

For we know that, Lord, you are able and you're willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds, and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor, of the least of these, and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.

We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that yes we can work together to achieve a more perfect union.

And while we have sown the seeds of greed — the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.

And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.

And as we leave this mountain top, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.

Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little angelic Sasha and Malia.

We go now to walk together as children, pledging that we won't get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone.

With your hands of power and your heart of love, help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nations shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid, when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around ... when yellow will be mellow ... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen.