I have an inward treasure born within me

I have an inward treasure born within me which can keep me alive if all the extraneous delights should be withheld; or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.

Charlotte Brontë

do not neglect the gift that is in you

Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of eldership... Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all...

1 Timothy 4:14-15

unwoo me

You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do...
Henry Ford

we shall find peace, we shall hear the angels

We shall find peace. We shall hear the angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.

Anton Chekhov :: Uncle Vanya (1899)

Self Pity

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D. H. Lawrence

a son who chooses to step

There's no greater ally, no force more powerful, no enemy more resolved
then a son who chooses to step from his father's shadow.

Ronald Lampkin :: Battlestar Galactica

a disaster of significant proportions

Why does it take a disaster of such significant proportions to get us interested in our own lives?

best dreams to shame

God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.

the elegance of subtraction

"understanding what piece to make missing isn't easy"

i haven't actually purchased this book yet but it is on my list of must read immediately. i read a bit of it here. what has stayed with me is this growing idea of less is more and the subtraction such a discipline requires.

i'm still trying to understand, accept and execute the things that i need to eliminate from my life.

parting shots

sunrise from the balcony

i had voted against the oceanfront room in an effort to save a few dollars but in the end the splurge was well worth it.

welcome to miami

in key biscayne for 72 hours and the weather is luscious. i had forgotten how beautiful it is here.

death changes those left behind

"When we mourn our losses we also mourn ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all."
-Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

losing someone changes you forever. death changes those left behind. always, a part of you is buried with the one you love and that doesn't change. the mourning and the grief will subside and the emotions will calm but your very person is changed. the rhythm of your life has changed. the arc of your joy has changed. forever.

in a country that praises independence we fail to understand this. when you love someone you forge a connection and that changes who you are and when they disappear you change again. it's not as if they never lived but that they live no longer.

there is no shame in connection. there is no shame in the disruption that disconnection creates. it just feels that way because all around the grieving person the world continues on.

"A single person is missing for you and the whole world is empty."

the year of magical thinking - joan didion

i wandered into barnes & noble on tuesday night looking for something. i stumbled upon this book. i had heard good things about the book how it chronicled the loss of her husband.

i cried and cried and cried through this book. it was so truly beautiful. it was so honest and i identified with so much that she shared about her grieving process which is so personal and chaotic. i didn't know that she was episcopalian. i didn't know that her husband was also a writer.

i needed this book.

"i realize how open we are to the persistent message that we can avert death. And to it's punitive correlative, the message that if death catches us we have only ourselves to blame."

"I know why we try to keep the dead alive; we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us... There is a point at which we must relinquish the dead, let them go, keep them dead."

i'll probably be posting bits and pieces from this book for a while.

a newness of person

(there is this sense that i am moving forward alone
into a newness of person
somewhat unaccompanied; despite great friends & family
my truest companion
completely unseen)

new life bursting through death

this is a great video of rowan williams, archbishop of canterbury, discussing lent.
it's not about gloom but 'new life bursting through death'.

a lenten theme song: 'dead & gone'

i keep hearing 'dead & gone' by t.i. & justin timberlake on the radio. it is officially my lenten theme song for 2009:

Ohh, I've been traveling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone
dead and gone

i don't really care too much for christian music. i tend to not really care for the music itself and alot of the lyrics seem to, in some way, have already arrived...

i definitely feel like my christianity is still seeking.
yet even now, i am so different from who i used to be...

I turn my head to the east
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north,
swallow that pill
that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone,
The new me will be alright

salvation with fear and trembling

Sacrifice of Isaac, Caravaggio, 1603

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
Philippians 2:12

work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

fear and trembling. hmmm... i'm not a biblical scholar but i've never felt this as a call to terror but perhaps a call to rigor.

this is something that feels especially relevant during lent as i aim to fulfill my sacred disciplines.

but i think the "work out your own" is pivotal. work out/your own. it's a directive. it's personal. a call to action.

make your salvation mean something to you. make Christ mean something to you. reach into His sacrifice and do something with it. take it seriously.

sweat with it.

the endless pursuit of romantic love

Without hesitation, the Dalai Lama said,

I think that, leaving aside how the endless pursuit of romantic love may affect our deeper spiritual growth, even from the perspective of a conventional way of life, the idealization of this romantic love can be seen as extreme. Unlike those relationships based on caring and genuine affection, this is another matter. It cannot be seen as a positive thing. It's something that is based on fantasy, unattainable, and therefore may be a source of frustration. So, on that basis it cannot be seen as a good thing.

The Art of Happiness, The Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D.