no winter

there is no winter like death

i watch him labor to breathe, his face no longer his own, he has become almost a stranger to me now. perhaps, most certainly a stranger to himself.

lifelessness grows stronger in his body everyday. everyday we pray for a miracle and everyday that miracle does not come.

my aunt is a wife. she is at his side everyday. she is fighting with doctors and nurses and administrators to get them to do something, anything to save him. her love is fierce. i've never seen such passion. and she will not acquiesce.

it hurts to witness because there is nothing to be done. i cannot save him. i cannot soothe him. i cannot ease this transition.

if death is relief and transcendence to a painless realm, why does it wear such an unhappy mask?

and this is how i spend my lunch: teary eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. walking back to the office, i take a deep breath and realize spring is here. the bradford pear trees are in full bloom and the cherry blossoms are close behind.

just when i feel completely forlorn, god sends me spring.

the juicy fruit effect

most things are great for about 30 seconds and then the taste is gone. for me, this tends to be the rule and not the exception.. people, places, ideas become tedious.

so, when you find someone, someplace, or something whose flavor is self-renewing it is indeed a beautiful thing. the juicy fruit effect in reverse - the more you chew, the better it tastes.

it's funny to me - so unexpected. to find that prolonged exposure can actually heighten curiosity and desire as opposed to extinguish it.

9. Cari Lynn: Leg the Spread

Leg the Spread: A Woman's Adventures Inside the Trillion-Dollar Boys' Club of Commodities Trading was a heady, intoxicating rush of a read. It details the author's flirtation with the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, more affectionately known as the 'Merc' ("If you don't know who you are, this is an expensive place to find out"). She details technical terms and theories while sharing stories of women and men she met during her two years as a clerk. Most books addressing male-dominated arenas are written by men and focus on men. Lynn reports how it felt to be working there as a woman, and gives several intimate testimonies from women who have worked at the Merc.

"If your position is really going against you, you get to this level where you know you're fucked, then you start to realize you're double-fucked. But you also know everyone else in the pit is fucked, too, so it becomes all about how long you can withstand the pain. How long can you wait it out? Can you wait until everyone else says mercy? Because if you can, then you can rape 'em. That's what Bev does best. When the last Fed number came out, Bev lost $1.4 million in thirty seconds. Everyone panicked, but Bev turned around and let the all have it. She ended up making two million off it all.. She has the highest tolerance of pain I have ever seen. Even when everyone else is puking, she can hold out."

8. Anya Kamenetz: Generation Debt

This is grim but necessary reading.

Kamenetz reveals America to be the homicidal mother who drowns her own children in the bathtub. She dissects the policies and trends that financially depress our generation as a class.

I found the sections on education and employment of particular interest. She discusses the outrageous cost of higher education, how it is funded and asks the dangerous question of whether or not it is worth it. Especially considering that jobs are increasingly entry-level: the largest private employer in the 70's was General Motors with an average wage of $17.50 per hour, the largest private employer is now Wal-Mart and their average wage is $8 per hour.

"With the decline in need-based financial aid, academic competition is becoming a game that the ruling class plays largely against itself, like tennis."

Only 10% of college students come from the 'bottom half of the economic spectrum.' Diversity efforts have increasingly focused on race and less on class. Joining the military has become the defacto choice for ambitious working class kids.

This is the first book I have read addressing the economics of my generation. I highly recommend it.

I. Will. Not. Lose. Ever.

a piercing blue, cloudless sky is draped above the coliseum.

her lacerated hands and knees press into the earth. dirt cakes weary arms and legs. a rivulet of blood snakes her anguished countenance.

her opponent has turned his back and raised his arms in premature victory. a swarm of faces smirk and roar at the indication of her defeat.

but the beast inside of her, though weary, will not sleep. a zephyr blows through the amphitheatre, cooling her face, stirring the dust.

tears speed down her cheeks. her eyes close. she sees herself, a tiny girl in braids, bright eyes, wide smile.

this is not her destiny. this is not what has been written.

she rises from her untimely grave and moves toward he who has underestimated. the cheering has become a cacophony of laughter. she is their joke and this fortifies her.

she appraises her nemesis. his face twisted in an arrogant sneer.
she has one opportunity. and it is sufficient.

fury forces her fist through his jaw. his neck snaps and his lifeless body tumbles to the ground.

the coliseum is silent.

dear friend,
if the score is not in your favor then the game is not over.

I. Will. Not. Lose. Ever. Fucka.
Jay-Z, U Don't Know

The Color of Genocide