a life at low flame

One can live at a low flame. Most people do. For some, life is an exercise in moderation (best china saved for special occasions), but given something like death, what does it matter if one looks foolish now and then, or tries too hard, or cares too deeply?"
Diane Ackerman

The Art of Making Possible

My entrance into the world of so-called "social problems"
Must be with quiet laughter, or not at all.
The hollow men of anger and bitterness
The bountiful ladies of righteous degradation
All must be left to a bygone age.
And the purpose of history is to provide a receptacle
For all those myths and oddments
Which oddly we have acquired
And from which we would become unburdened
To create a newer world
To transform the future into the present.
We have no need of false revolutions
In a world where categories tend to tyrannize our minds
And hang our wills up on narrow pegs.
It is well at every given moment to seek the limits in our lives.
And once those limits are understood
To understand that limitations no longer exist.
Earth could be fair. And you and I must be free
Not to save the world in a glorious crusade
Not to kill ourselves with a nameless gnawing pain
But to practice with all the skill of our being
The art of making possible.

Nancy Scheibner

Between the Hammers

between the hammers
our heart endures,
just as the tongue does
between the teeth and,
despite that,
still is able to praise..

Rainer Maria Rilke

i run to pray.

nothing quiets me or humbles me so like a good run. and in those tortured moments it is so obvious how God can take me beyond myself. and afterwards, when my heart is still racing - and i am absolutely shocked that i made it through - all i can do is thank him and praise him for another run.

but it's not just the run i am thankful for it is every brick wall that he has brought me through. and if i can just keep believing he will keep doing it. and even when i can't believe. even when i am quite certain that i am done, if i can just force myself to take a few more steps, he will show up for me.

that crazy God always shows up for me.
thank you.

i don't want to lie. i can't tell the truth.

i don't want to lie. i can't tell the truth. so, it's over.

i hate lies.

the only thing i hate more than lies are the people who tell them.
to some closer was a movie about cheating. but to me, it seemed more about lying.
lying to yourself and the people you care about.

the worst part of the movie was that conversation towards the end with jude law and natalie portman.

jude law knew natalie portman had slept with clive owen (when jude law was with julia roberts) but he wanted to hear her say it. he knew natalie loved him, that she 'preferred him' but that wasn't enough. natalie wasn't with jude when she did it - but he wanted to know - not even know because he already knew - he wanted her to confess. it wasn't as if she cheated because they weren't together, jude law had already left her for julia roberts.

he wanted to humiliate her. to expose her. and it was so ugly.

that movie showed some of the worst of human behavior - manipulation.

tour fever - floyd landis

i spent most of july glued to my tv watching oln's coverage of tour de france.
addictive. absolutely addictive.

i've never watched the tour before but i was watching it twice a day.
i don't know if it was because i just got my very first road bike or what.
but i couldn't get away from it.

when floyd landis bonked in stage 16 i was heartbroken.
when he came back in stage17 - i was so inspired.
it was the ride of a lifetime.
incredible.

and now the rumors of testosterone patch on his scrotum.
i refuse to believe it.
refuse.

one dare not disobey

when a mystery
is too overpowering,
one dare not disobey.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

i taste oceans

head tilted
i taste oceans
i have never seen

turquoise waves
caress
thighs & arms

floating
towards oblivion

you whisper
my name
softly, sweetly
with a kiss

and i am revived

fallen blossoms

fallen blossoms do not return to branches;
a broken mirror does not again reflect.
Japanese Proverb

Sometimes there is the desire to move backwards. Perhaps to correct it somehow. As if it is in my power to improve the past, to make it manageable, to make it pretty.

Is it guilt?
Is it faithlessness?

The past cannot save you.
It need not condemn you either.

Move forward.
Let the petals lay where they fall.

despite the hunger

Despite the hunger
we cannot possess
more than this:
Peace
in a garden
of our own.
Alice Walker

like the numbers of a small child

"The only thing that makes me truly happy is mathematics, snow, ice, numbers. To me, the number system is like human life. First you have the natural numbers, the ones that are whole and positive, like the numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands, and the child discovers longing.

Do you know the mathematical expression for longing?

Negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you're missing something. Then the child discovers the in-between spaces, between stones, between people, between numbers, and that produces fractions. But it's like a kind of madness, because it doesn't even stop there. It never stops. There are numbers that we can't even begin to comprehend. Mathematics is a vast open landscape. You head towards the horizon that is always receding... like Greenland.

And that's... that's what I can't live without."

Smilla's Sense of Snow

crisis is an opportunity

it surprises me,
those who are here
checking on me
praying for me
holding my hand
during this misery
and those who have
disappeared - entirely.

i get it though.

i am almost a stranger
even to myself.
it seems part of me is lost.
i doubt she will ever come back again.

change isn't always a disaster

por ejemplo

a friend that i talked to
every month or so
in a casual kind of way
has become this rock
for me.

she has just asserted herself
in my life
in this pleasant and deeply concerned
way

i knew we were friends
but i didn't think we
could be friends
in the
i-know-you-need-me
and-don't-know-how-to-ask
but-that's-ok-because-you
don't-have-to
kind of way

crisis
is an opportunity
to really love
someone

and you either
take it
or you don't

the bandaged heart

the slightest thing can move me
one way or the other.

life has been divided
into before and after.

i lived with my grandmother
almost my entire life
she was a second mother.

how does one let that go?

she was a friend
a dear friend
and now we're separated

i miss her wink
the way she called my name
how she would tilt her head
and laugh - eyes closed

and i am so
fucking pissed
that she is not here
for me to love
anymore

but i am trying
very hard
to get over it.

kindness & sympathy

there has just been an outpouring of kindness and sympathy
from family, from friends, from strangers.

thank you.

any kindness i can show

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.
William Penn

my grandmother has died.

Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion
Dylan Thomas

i feel she has been ripped from my breast.
snatched so quickly.

yet i know she was suffering.
i know this is a blessing.

but i am only human
and i can't understand that.

i can't believe
that she belongs
where i am not.

does god really expect for me to get that?

it will be one week tomorrow.

a week ago tonight was the last time i saw her breathing.
she was sleeping so heavily, not to be roused, but breathing.

i left work and raced to the house.
the undertaker was in the kitchen,

in her bed, she appeared to be sleeping.
i didn't want them to take her.
i didn't believe she was dead.
i didn't believe it.

i watched them wheel her
in a bag
down the deck.

it is that image that
haunts me now.

the bag was only zipped to her neck.
it was brown.

all the flowers have wilted

all the flowers have wilted
and i don't know when the sun will come again.

my grandmother is dying.

she went to the hospital in the middle of the week.
she was there for three days.
there's nothing that can be done.
she came home on friday.

all we can do is make her comfortable.

she needs care almost around the clock.

i spent the weekend at my mother's trying to help.
feeling so horribly inadequate.

when i first saw her she looked like a corpse.
a morphine induced sleep.
her body so still. so pale. i didn't think she was breathing.

cancer has just shrunk her.
she is barely clinging to 100lbs.
her lips, her eyes, everything seems so small.

a storm in my heart.

i see myself disappearing.

i spent the entire day in bed.
half-crying and half-sleeping.

i haven't eaten.
i haven't been outdoors.

i'm not hungry. i'm not sleepy.
i'm not even tired.

my eyes are just leaking.

it seems everyday - i get closer to losing all that is dear to me.
it all seems to be disappearing.

it is my own passion that will be my very undoing.
i want to be indifferent.

death is here.
and he won't let me go.

and my greatest failure
is that i cannot make myself
care less.

to seek God unencumbered

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

my uncle has died.

i put this fact aside. so that i could survive the day. it meant nothing to me. i didn't feel it. it didn't connect.

until it did.

i was at my desk, analyzing a client portfolio. 12 asian currencies.
and i felt it - like an icicle through my chest.
a panic.

i wanted my sister. i needed to see her.
i wanted the dearest of my life close to me.
i thought of my parents, my grandparents.
my lovers, my friends..

and how all of it is so
tentative.

my silly puppy. the grass so green.
a warm & sunny day with a slight breeze.
all of my favorite things.

is heaven really better than what i've got
right this very minute?

for everyone i've ever loved
that has crossed that divide
i sure hope so.

as fucked as my life is -
and trust, it is a very fucked up thing.

i'm grateful for it's beauty
it's magic
it's wonders

and i'm sad that my uncle
doesn't have those things anymore.

heaven is probably much simpler than that.

it's just God
and nothing else.

the presence of God
and the absence of everything else.

that must be it.

birds in cages

"if only i could live and so serve the world that after me there should never again be birds in cages."
-Isak Dinesen (pen name of Karen Blixen)

no winter

there is no winter like death

i watch him labor to breathe, his face no longer his own, he has become almost a stranger to me now. perhaps, most certainly a stranger to himself.

lifelessness grows stronger in his body everyday. everyday we pray for a miracle and everyday that miracle does not come.

my aunt is a wife. she is at his side everyday. she is fighting with doctors and nurses and administrators to get them to do something, anything to save him. her love is fierce. i've never seen such passion. and she will not acquiesce.

it hurts to witness because there is nothing to be done. i cannot save him. i cannot soothe him. i cannot ease this transition.

if death is relief and transcendence to a painless realm, why does it wear such an unhappy mask?

and this is how i spend my lunch: teary eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. walking back to the office, i take a deep breath and realize spring is here. the bradford pear trees are in full bloom and the cherry blossoms are close behind.

just when i feel completely forlorn, god sends me spring.

the juicy fruit effect

most things are great for about 30 seconds and then the taste is gone. for me, this tends to be the rule and not the exception.. people, places, ideas become tedious.

so, when you find someone, someplace, or something whose flavor is self-renewing it is indeed a beautiful thing. the juicy fruit effect in reverse - the more you chew, the better it tastes.

it's funny to me - so unexpected. to find that prolonged exposure can actually heighten curiosity and desire as opposed to extinguish it.

9. Cari Lynn: Leg the Spread

Leg the Spread: A Woman's Adventures Inside the Trillion-Dollar Boys' Club of Commodities Trading was a heady, intoxicating rush of a read. It details the author's flirtation with the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, more affectionately known as the 'Merc' ("If you don't know who you are, this is an expensive place to find out"). She details technical terms and theories while sharing stories of women and men she met during her two years as a clerk. Most books addressing male-dominated arenas are written by men and focus on men. Lynn reports how it felt to be working there as a woman, and gives several intimate testimonies from women who have worked at the Merc.

"If your position is really going against you, you get to this level where you know you're fucked, then you start to realize you're double-fucked. But you also know everyone else in the pit is fucked, too, so it becomes all about how long you can withstand the pain. How long can you wait it out? Can you wait until everyone else says mercy? Because if you can, then you can rape 'em. That's what Bev does best. When the last Fed number came out, Bev lost $1.4 million in thirty seconds. Everyone panicked, but Bev turned around and let the all have it. She ended up making two million off it all.. She has the highest tolerance of pain I have ever seen. Even when everyone else is puking, she can hold out."

8. Anya Kamenetz: Generation Debt

This is grim but necessary reading.

Kamenetz reveals America to be the homicidal mother who drowns her own children in the bathtub. She dissects the policies and trends that financially depress our generation as a class.

I found the sections on education and employment of particular interest. She discusses the outrageous cost of higher education, how it is funded and asks the dangerous question of whether or not it is worth it. Especially considering that jobs are increasingly entry-level: the largest private employer in the 70's was General Motors with an average wage of $17.50 per hour, the largest private employer is now Wal-Mart and their average wage is $8 per hour.

"With the decline in need-based financial aid, academic competition is becoming a game that the ruling class plays largely against itself, like tennis."

Only 10% of college students come from the 'bottom half of the economic spectrum.' Diversity efforts have increasingly focused on race and less on class. Joining the military has become the defacto choice for ambitious working class kids.

This is the first book I have read addressing the economics of my generation. I highly recommend it.

I. Will. Not. Lose. Ever.

a piercing blue, cloudless sky is draped above the coliseum.

her lacerated hands and knees press into the earth. dirt cakes weary arms and legs. a rivulet of blood snakes her anguished countenance.

her opponent has turned his back and raised his arms in premature victory. a swarm of faces smirk and roar at the indication of her defeat.

but the beast inside of her, though weary, will not sleep. a zephyr blows through the amphitheatre, cooling her face, stirring the dust.

tears speed down her cheeks. her eyes close. she sees herself, a tiny girl in braids, bright eyes, wide smile.

this is not her destiny. this is not what has been written.

she rises from her untimely grave and moves toward he who has underestimated. the cheering has become a cacophony of laughter. she is their joke and this fortifies her.

she appraises her nemesis. his face twisted in an arrogant sneer.
she has one opportunity. and it is sufficient.

fury forces her fist through his jaw. his neck snaps and his lifeless body tumbles to the ground.

the coliseum is silent.

dear friend,
if the score is not in your favor then the game is not over.

I. Will. Not. Lose. Ever. Fucka.
Jay-Z, U Don't Know

The Color of Genocide

Public Pensions Review Investments in Sudan

"How could it be possible for them to burn people, children, and for the world to keep silent? No, none of this could be true. It was a nightmare."
Elie Wiesel, Night

While American corporations are forbidden to conduct business with Sudan (except for humanitarian missions) through Bill Clinton's executive order in 1997. Many Americans are tied to Sudan through investments in international stocks. States and Public Pension funds have begun to reconsider their links to Sudan through their portfolios.

Third-party research firms, Institutional Shareholder Services, Conflict Securities Advisory Group, and KLD Research among others compile lists of companies involved in Sudan. KLD's Sudan Compliance Service has isolated 124 companies including eight U.S. businesses linked to Sudan. Inclusion on these lists can be ambiguous at best. 3M was included and claim their association to Sudan is limited to selling Scotchshield Ultra Safety adn Security Film to the UN.

New Jersey, Illinois, and Oregon have passed laws that obligate public pensions to divest from their portfolios any holding of a company with investments, facilities or employees in Sudan. Money managers have responded. Northern Trust has created six index funds that ostracize Sudan-linked stocks for its institutional clients. Illinois has already invested $8 billion across the six funds.

Funds meant to mimic the performance of American indices such as the S&P 500 or the Russell 2000 aren't as likely to be impacted since American business are prohibited from involvement with Sudan. The most vulnerable funds are those meant to parallel foreign indices such as the MSCI EAFE (Morgan Stanley Capital Int'l Europe Australasia Far East). Over 25 companies (+9% of the index's market cap), including Royal Dutch Shell, Toyota, Siemens and Ericsson may be excluded from the fund. Vanguard is still considering if it will create Sudan-Free funds while Fidelity has yet to take the contention under advisory.

Will divesture lead to change? American divesture of Talisman Energy, led the Canadian company to abandon interests in Sudan. PetroChina's IPO in 2000 was largely ignored by college endowments and public pension funds due to oil extraction in Sudan. The larger pension funds, Calpers and the New York City Comptroller view divesture as a last resort and are talking to the Sudan-linked companies directly about their involvement in Sudan.

American Idol: Since I Fell for You

No one will ever sing 'Since I Fell for You' like Nina Simone.

14 February 2006

"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life." -J.E. Buchrose

Yearly Spending Habits Rich vs. Affluent

The rich are those earning $390,400 on average per annum and have at least $10M in investable assets. The affluent earn $152,000 on average per annum with $1M in investable assets. The rich spend almost 4x as much as the affluent.

Luxury Jewelry & Watches
$17,185 by the Rich vs. $5,163 by the Affluent

Luxury Pet Products
$12,831 vs. $1,316

Luxury Fashion Accessories
$9,931 vs. $2,898

Luxury Wines and Liquors
$7,703 vs. $1,880.

and how does one begin to rack up $12 G's for the pet?
Try an $1,800 Disco Bed for the dog.

making change in your life

"It must be considered that there is nothing more difficult to carry out, nor more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to handle, than to initiate a new order of things."
Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince and the Discourses

5. Ann Packer: The Dive From Clausen's Pier

I've been meaning to read this book for a while now. Carrie seems to be having second thoughts about her engagement. Then, her fiancee becomes immobilized when he injures his spinal cord in a diving accident. She flees Madison, WI where she has lived all her life for NYC without so much as a good luck to anyone even her mother.

A few of my favorite quotes, without context:

Isn't it obvious? You can't leave because you're the person you are, and I can't want you to because that would be wanting you to be someone else when I want you to be you.

People have this idea that what they do changes who they are. A married man had an affair and he thinks, Now I've become a bad person. As if something had changed.. Meaning bad isn't the issue. Meaning you do what you do. Not without consequences for other people, of course, sometimes very grave ones. But it's not helpful to regard your choices as a series of right or wrong moves. They don't define you as much as you define them.. You could just as easily have stayed. But that wouldn't make you a good person any more than leaving makes you a bad one. You're already made, honey. That's what I mean.

I really enjoyed this, and recommend it. Chick lit with an edge. I liked it because it illustrates people making hard choices in their lives, changing things, changing who they are. Only to realize, it's not as simple or as difficult as one may have thought.

a very strange dream, indeed.

we were on the river terrace at the kennedy center.

it was winter. december. maybe my birthday. it was cold. cold enough to see your breath, but not too cold to be outside. it was a clear night, the stars were sparkling like vegas diamonds, making the chill almost bearable. the potomac stretched in front of us, the gurgling fountain silent beside us.

it's been a great night. i'm giddy and bouncy. obviously happy, obviously satisfied. perhaps we've been to the ballet or the opera. maybe even the theatre.

he is telling me something. i can't hear. i'm an observer not the participant. i'm watching his face, looking into his eyes, but i can't see who he is. only a dark wool coat and a brick red scarf. he is excited, nervous, sincere. i am flummoxed, suprised, elated.

he has proposed and i have said yes.

-------------------------

this is quite strange, not only because the fountain is turned off in the winter, but i am decidedly single.

2. bell hooks: all about love

as a society we are embarassed by love. we treat it as if it were an obscenity. we reluctantly admit to it. even saying the word makes us stumble and blush.. love is the most important thing in our lives, a passion for which we would fight or die, and yet we're reluctant to linger over its names. without a supple vocabulary, we can't even talk or think about it directly.

chapter one begins with the above quote from diane ackerman.

this is an achingly beautiful book. it's for those who persist in dreaming of love. differently.

one of the ironies of the culture of greed is that the people who profit the most from earnings they have not worked to attain are the most eager to insist that the poor and working classes can only value material resources attained through hard work. of course, they are merely establishing a belief system that protects their class interests and lessens their accountability to those who are without privilege.

hooks talks about how america has 'privatized' family, "most world citizens do not have, and will never have, the material resources to live in small units segregated from larger family communities."

she illustrates how our culture has elevated the search and seizure of a romantic partner above all other loving relationships.

many of her observations had profound meaning for me - but nothing touched me as her commentary on 'loving into death.' our society encourages isolation in both the process of dying and grieving, "we are taught to feel shame about grief that lingers." she repositions grief as an expression of passionate loving. in a society that resounds with the importance of remaining unfettered in all dealings especially love. she reminds us that our most passionate relationships sometimes portend a commitment beyond life unto death.

sleeplessness

in bed i watch red numbers begging them not to change. it's been another 80 hour work week. i come home, draw a bath, go to sleep, then back to work. tonight i am unable to sleep. is it still a weekend if the week doesn't end? 14 work days in a row. in bed, motionless, my heart races. silently, i repeat my to do list. reprioritize. there isn't enough time. this is crazy.

how do i spend this adrenaline? i cannot sleep. i am dancing on the edge of oblivion, terrified to look down. i have to sleep fast and my window of opportunity for rest is closing, closing, shut.

3. Morris & McGann: Condi vs. Hillary

Great fucking book. But towards the end it was a bit redundant.

Before anything, I must acknowledge that one of the authors of this book is Dick Morris. Morris, who was President Bill Clinton's political guru until a high-priced hooker revealed his toe-sucking fetish, has made a second career out of bashing the Clintons. This book should really be titled, The Case for Condi.

I have recently become fascinated by Condoleeza Rice. I read this book more to learn about Condi than to hear about Hillary. I already have my views about Hillary. This book did little to influence that.

It gave an interesting history of the Republican party and it's commitment to civil rights. Beginning wiht Abe Lincoln and the Emancipation Proclamation, etc.. It was a Republican Congress that passed the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments: making slavery and discrimination illegal and granting black men suffrage respectively. Republican President Eisenhower appointed Warren as Chief Justice. It was the Warren court that decided Brown v. Board of Education. When the Democratic Governor of Arkansas moved to block the integration of schools, Eisenhower sent in troops.

"My father joined our party because the Democrats in Jim Crow Alabama of 1952 would not register him to vote. The Republicans did. I want you to know that my father has never forgotten that day, and neither have I."
Condoleeza Rice, Republican National Convention in 2000

Well, what happened? FDR waged an imped an impressive war against poverty and unemployment. When DAR refused to allow Marian Anderson to perform at Constitution Hall, Eleanor Roosevelt organized a rally at the Lincoln Memorial where she sang in front of a modestly estimated 75,000 people.

The challenge for Republicans is to win enough votes among whites to offset the black vote for the Democrats. They never campaign among African Americans, except to convince white voters that they are not racist.. The segregation of the black vote into the Democratic corral is deeply pernicious to our democracy. It eats away at the fiber of our freedom and creates an unchanging mass dedicated to one party regardless of policy, personality, or priorities. It has created a political atmosphere in which neither party cares much about the needs of the black community.

Morris and McGann argue that Condi can challenge the democrats for the vote of unmarried/single females. The two most important issues to female voters are abortion and education. Condi is pro-choice. Her experience as both Professor and Provost at Stanford more than qualify her on the issue of education.

"I am myself a beneficiary of a Stanford strategy that took affirmative action seriously, that took a risk in taking a young Ph.D from the University of Denver. The president of the university did, after all, appoint a thirty-eight-year-old black female professor provost who had never been a department chair."

"I support affirmative action in higher education. It makes the student body and the administration more integrated. It's accelerating the integration of all strata of society... we don't have to wait one hundred years."

Rice was very affected by the 1963 bombing of the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church, only a few miles from her home. She knew 2 of the victims personally, "I remember more than anything the coffins, the small coffins, and the sense that Birmingham was not a very safe place."

Aside from the myopic view of Hillary, the authors feel, "white people may be eager to vote for an African American to expunge our national legacy of racism." Electing a Black President is not going to end racism nor should it signal that Blacks have 'arrived'. This is a most dangerous notion indeed.

happy birthday, my darling.

happy 93rd, Ike. my darling, darling grandfather.

at 93, you are still the most informed man that i know. you watch the news, both ny (consequence of direct tv) and local. all the sunday morning shows and read the paper everyday. you are still incredulous that elton john got married. you look for soul train on tv because 'you like to watch them bounce.' you are a republican but recognize bush is a complete ass. even now at 28, you still correct my speech, speak random phrases in french, and tell me about the cocksuckers running the world. and you've been married to an amazing but difficult woman for 66 years.

it is my pleasure to love you.

i love to hear you reminisce about your days as a philly firefighter. i love to hear you talk about something you will always love. when you started as a fireman in 1940, whites and 'colored boys' had separate firehouses. it wasn't until '49 that you could apply for a transfer into a white firehouse.

what breaks my heart is that one day you will disappear. and i will be destroyed. no one will ever love me the way that you have. and a part of me will die. petal and pollen falling lifeless beside the vase.

so, last night instead of seeing the banker i was here. while gram slept, i listened to you talk about the firehouse and elton john and how condoleeza is probably a 'lezzy'. you ask me if i'm going to see big momma 2. you saw enough in the preview, "a big chick running on a beach in a yellow bathingsuit. she looked like a sherman tank. but i couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman."

i brought you a philadelphia tribune and we sat in the livingroom reading in happy and intimate silence.

honda: safety for everyone

has anyone seen the honda commercial with the animals? not the cog or the choir that sounds like a civic or the impossible dream commercial. but the other one. i saw it at the end of 2005.

it shows the frame of a honda with three animals inside. it begins with a zebra inside - the wind blowing through it's mane. then the frame is in a forest with an owl inside - his wide eyes blinking. and in a field with a lamb inside the frame. at the end it says - "honda. safety for everyone."

i love this commercial. i can't stop thinking about it. but absolutely no one else has seen it.

Speed Racer

Last night driving back to DC from Annapolis, I had route 50 to myself. It was a beautiful night, warm for January, and I could just go. There is nothing like an open highway in the middle of night. begging to be tested. Sunroof back, the heat on low, and moving fast. There is something supremely exhilarating about speed.

I've got N.E.R.D. 'Lapdance' on repeat as I race past open fields:

I'm just straight ill
Ridin' my motorcycle down the streets
While politicians is soundin' like strippers to me
They keep sayin' but I don't wanna hear it...

Oooh baby you want me?
Oooh baby you want me?
Oooh baby you want me?
Well you can get this lapdance here for free
Well you can get this lapdance here for free
Well you can get this lapdance here for free

Mind you, I do not have a fabulous sports car. Betty, my little red car, has only seen 93 mph. It's funny, most of the people I know with performance cars don't really drive fast, with the exception of my Dad. I remember the first time he took an exit ramp at 122. It was stiff, tight and hungry.

The downside to performance cars, you can't drive them every day. They are a notoriously rough ride at low speeds. Most places are too populated with traffic lights and other drivers to really open your car up.

That's a photo of Danica Patrick, the 1st woman to ever lead the at the Indy 500 (May, 2005) and the 4th to ever compete in the race. She also had the fastest practice speed that month at about 230 mph.

Georgetown Takes Duke (87-84)

I'm not a big Hoyas fan but how could you not be impressed?
It was a thing of beauty. I was shocked.

Serengeti

silver clouds moving fast
above a still and golden plain
rain threatens in the distance

the flames of your body
lick and pulse
until
bones
have melted

dissolved into the rhythm
of your breath
of your longing
of your satisfaction

i sense
your arrival

like the cheetah
senses the gazelle

in the final
silent stretch
between prey and predator

there is no shame
it is the natural order of things

i devour you
without apology

1. Maureen Dowd: Are Men Necessary?

I almost didn't buy this book based on the title. I wasn't paying $30 to read "Men Suck" over the course of 300 pages. I like Maureen Dowd despite the fact that she never has anything nice to say. She is the rare critic offering no one immunity from her acerbic indictments. Which is problematic to some because her allegiances are opaque at best. Who does she like? No one knows. I bought it, for the same reason I buy most books, a fresh perspective.

I consider myself a feminist, despite rejecting most feminist discourse, and had hoped to uncover ideas that might resonate with my own aesthetic. I found that Dowd remains a trenchant observer, her churlishness directed at men and women alike. Her most scathing rebukes directed towards her perceived failures of Feminism and women who have made choices she finds despicable. Page after page she deconstructs woman after woman and the occasional man.

“Maybe there would be more alpha women in the working world if so many of them didn’t marry alpha men and become alpha moms, armed with alpha SUVs, which they drive in an alpha, overcaffeinated manner down the freeway while clutching a venti skim latte. They’re equipped with alpha muscles from daily workouts and alpha tempers from getting in teachers’ faces to propel their precious alpha kids.”

Dowd's a hater. She is righteous in her loathing of Bergdorf Botoxed Blondes and the men who prefer them. Her hate betrays a disappointment that more women are not taking advantage of opportunities created by the Women's Movement and that men are not choosing those that do. Critics of her book, have made it personal, they claim she blames Feminism for her singlehood. I didn't get that at all. I do sense a frustration on her part, but really, how many high-powered women in the public sphere are married?

The Women's Movement, not unlike the Civil Rights Movement, was about creating opportunities where none existed and empowering it's constituents to take advantage. If Feminism is about anything it is about women's choice. Those choices being less and less clear.

The dialogue has shifted and it's no longer a debate between women who work vs. women who don't. It's not just are you playing the game, but how are you playing it?

'Are Men Necessary?' doesn't really make a strong argument for anything in particular, but if you're familiar with Dowd's writing you wouldn't expect that in the first place.

reading in the new year

Above is Picasso's 'Woman Reading' (1935)

Inspired by The Generalists, I am taking on the challenge of reading a book per week in 2006. As month/quarter-end reporting has begun, I am a bit skeptical at how this will play out. As a buffer, unfinished books scattered around my home are eligible.

baltimore museum of art

so, i've been watching my cousins (boy & girl twins, 14 & girl, 11) for the past week. today, i took them to the baltimore museum of art and we spent alot of time in the modern & contemporary art exhibits. I love modern & contemporary art so i had a great time. i think i made them crazy explaining things, asking their opinions, making them read the placards. then we went to dinner on the harbor.

driving back on 95 south - it's a beautiful night, clear skies, full moon, the highway is relatively empty, music on blast, singing with the kids, heat on, sunroof cracked - Bunny (the youngest) asks me if we're in a rush:

Em: not really.. why?
Bunny: are you speeding or are all the other cars just going really slow?
Em: the other cars are definitely going really slow.
Bunny: but isn't the speed limit 65?

in my defense, we were on 95 and i was going about 87. i was also asked how i was able to get my driver's license since I frequently forget to put on my seatbelt.

i've been forced to listen to chris brown everytime we get in the car. tonight on the way home we listened to one of my mix cd's - they had never heard U2.

Gas = $18
Admission to BMA = $10
Introducing my cousins to warhol, rothko, motherwell, miro, matisse, giacometti, o'keefe & U2 = Priceless

five weird habits

err.. i've been tagged to list five idiosyncrasies:

1. i growl, "err.." when irritated, annoyed, or frustrated - both in person and in writing.

2. i have a dishwasher but insist on doing my dishes by hand. i only use the dishwasher for drying.

3. i like a burger with my ketchup. i put heinz ketchup on both sides of my burger until it oozes out the sides. sometimes even dipping it in ketchup.

4. i drive with the sunroof open and heat on when it's gently snowing at night.

5. i can't sleep over after sex.

she is disposable

she is disposable
and to survive knowing this,
she must remain self-absorbed
and motivated for her own reasons.

the desire to win
must be her passion alone
because she alone
will live with the outcome

and that
is the only
permanent thing

Mexican-Style Chicken Tortilla

I came home from work - tried to finish Maureen Dowd's book - and fell asleep. My circadian rhythm is way off. I just woke up and had dinner. Campbell's Select Mexican-Style Chicken Tortilla. I bought 15 cans of that soup, it's my favorite and it was on sale (half-off).

It's a hell of a thing to wake up with one question screaming loudly in your mind, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"

I'm training a new associate tomorrow morning. I've got to get some sleep. Sweet Dreams.

my *hot* date

Affluent Black Investor Trends

Phoenix Marketing, a marketing research company that focuses on U.S. affluent markets, released a study of African-American investor behaviors and attitudes. Over 900 Black investors ($25K-$100K+ investable assets) were surveyed via the internet between August 2004 - June 2005. A few of their most notable findings:

70% of affluent African American investors participate in an employer-sponsored 401(k) or 403(b) plan compared to 56.3% of General Population Active Investors.

64% of affluent African American investors own stocks outside employer-sponsored plans compared to 44% of General Population Active Investors.

61% of affluent African American investors own mutual funds outside employer sponsored plans compared to 38% of the General Population.

58% of affluent African Americans have a trading/brokerage account compared to 31% of the general population.

The first two statistics are of particular interest to me because they compare the investing habits of Blacks to the General Population of Active Inestors. What do these figures reveal, what questions do they raise?

Significantly more Affluent Black Investors (ABI) utilize employer-sponsored plans than the General Population of Active Investors (GPAI). I wonder what percentage of the GPAI has access to employee sponsored plans compared to ABI? The 401(k) is available to most corporate wage earners and the 403(b) is for employees of educational institutions and some non-profits as determined by 501(c)(3) codes. Is it possible that having access to these types of retirement/investment vehicles is almost a predictor of affluent black investment? Is it not only possible but probable that most affluent black investors are not self-employed? Hmm..

Holding Affluence/Income constant, I would hypothesize there are two main differences between Black Investors and Black Non-Investors. Information and Convenience. The presence of a 401(k)/403(b) opportunity offers both. ERISA laws require that participants receive information designed to assist them in making investment and retirement-related decisions appropriate to their
particular situations. There is no investment opportunity more convenient than the 401(k)/403(b) opportunity. It's an automatic pre-tax deduction. The money is gone before your paycheck hits your account. You hardly miss it and it lowers your taxable income.

The second statistic, 64% own stocks and 61% own mutual funds outside employer-sponsored plans. This is interesting considered in tandem with the first statistic. If 70% participate in 401(k)/403(b) plans and roughly 60% have investments outside of employer-sponsored plans, it's a logical conclusion that a significant portion of the ABI population has at least two investment portfolios. This should make most investment firms take notice.

I am especially curious as to how many affluent blacks are actually investors compared to the general affluent population.

Phoenix has also released 2005 estimates of affluent households. There are 23.6M Affluent households ($250K investable assets/income of $150K), up 19% from 2004. The number of Mass Affluent households ($250K-$1M investable assets) jumped by 30% from 12.5M to 16.1M in 2005. However, the number of households with $1M+ investable assets only grew by 7%

The Reading List

Romare Bearden, Woman and Child Reading, 1984

1. Maureen Dowd: Are Men Necessary?
2. Bell Hooks: All About Love
3. Morris & McGann: Condi vs. Hillary
4. Gerard Nierenberg: The Art of Negotiation
5. Ann Packer: The Dive from Clausen's Pier
6. Robert Greene: The 33 Strategies of War
7. Elie Weisel: Night
8. Anya Kamenetz: Generation Debt
9. Cari Lynn: Leg the Spread
10. Barton Biggs: Hedgehogging
11. Orlando Patterson: The Ordeal of Integration
12. John Perkins: Confessions of an Economic Hit Man