the cat came back..

i think hk is like the yellow cat.
(i loved this when i was a kid)
enjoy.

the breakup season

her: i love you. i can't imagine my life without you.
him: i think we should stop communicating. this is not good for either of us.

wow. do people really break up over text?

hk and i are finished

yep. so hk called. two weeks ago he wanted something more. then a few days later he changed his mind and said we should leave things as they are. last saturday, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and that it was up to me whether or not we were friends. as of yesterday he was still 'collecting his thoughts'

enough.

been down so long..

i'm so blue. i feel like a mark rothko painting. been down so long - not quite sure how to get up. what is it going to take to get me out of this funk? my world can't possibly be as bad as i feel it is.

where do i even start?

the gym? some natural endorphins might be just what i need. if i can only drag myself there.. alas, tomorrow is a new day.

and then hk calls..

i really wasn't sure if i would hear from him again. we got into it over text - and i'm not quite sure how we left it.

the thing is i love the man - i just can't go back to the way things were. i can't change it by myself. it's hard to believe a relationship can transition to something different, something better, when it's been that less than lovely thing for so long.

the bottom line is i'm not convinced and i don't know what it would take to get me there. i want to believe but i don't know if i can.

either way, i deserve something better. whether it's with him or someone else.

missing hk

i miss him today.

i'll admit it to myself. it explains why sia's breathe me has been on repeat.

a life of constant subtraction

it feels as if there is always, always a subtraction.

always this loss, this reduction - a friend with whom i have reached an impasse, the boy that is no longer, the job that has become work, the store that has shut its doors, the food that no longer gives such pleasure, the life that fails to satisfy.

the love that has deflated.

where is the addition? where is that new bliss? that extra thing that augments the human experience?

i am so exhausted of losing the things that bring me joy and being unable to replace them.

turning your back

it's tempting to be polite. to play nice. to be concerned. maybe even understanding. especially to people who seem to have always been around. but just because they've been around doesn't mean they've been there.

at first, it's about taking space. giving each other time to 'do you'. but the space isn't far enough. the time isn't long enough.

it's not about mood as much as it is about utility.

we grow. and that doesn't mean that we necessarily outgrow people.
(it really isn't a race)

but time grants perspective. and the ability to see things, people and places in a different light. a light, that perhaps, you weren't courageous enough to turn on earlier.

sometimes you have to say goodbye.

the brooklyn kid

who is the brooklyn kid?

he is a shorter, leaner, more freckled version of matt damon. we used to work together - lunch buddies. then i left and we didn't see each other for months. and then we started hanging out almost every weekend for a summer. some of my best times in dc were with him that summer.

one night, we went to a tiny little german restaurant on capitol hill. we ate outside in a garden, at a table lit with candles. he introduced me to the berliner weisse - a beer spiked with a raspberry syrup.

another we walked around the monuments in the wee hours of the morning until dawn. we talked about past relationships until the sun rose on the potomac.

i admit, i do not have the best situational awareness, and he was constantly looking after me. i didn't notice the guy passed out in the vestibule of his apartment building. or see the homeless guy coming towards me as we left the dubliner in sheets of rain at 1am. of course, i got caught up talking to the guy, while he ran towards the car and then had to come back for me - he didn't realize i had stopped.

i was devastated when he left dc. there were plenty of secret tears.

in short, he is one of my dearest friends. we always have a fantastic time together. and i'm certain scotland will be exceptional.

edinburgh, scotland

48 days until i leave for scotland!

i'm going to scotland

i'm going to scotland for a week with the brooklyn kid.
imagine that.

so happy with nothing

at a recent dinner, a girlfriend commented that 'we have become so happy with nothing'. and it stayed with me. perhaps the way she said it made it resonate so. with such loathing. with such disappointment. with complete and utter disgust. who are the 'we'? women? blacks? americans? me.

how do you get yourself moving after being satisfied with nothing for so long?
what makes you want more?

when the sun shines, we'll shine together

a bit of rihanna to get us going..

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella