and then hk calls..

i really wasn't sure if i would hear from him again. we got into it over text - and i'm not quite sure how we left it.

the thing is i love the man - i just can't go back to the way things were. i can't change it by myself. it's hard to believe a relationship can transition to something different, something better, when it's been that less than lovely thing for so long.

the bottom line is i'm not convinced and i don't know what it would take to get me there. i want to believe but i don't know if i can.

either way, i deserve something better. whether it's with him or someone else.

missing hk

i miss him today.

i'll admit it to myself. it explains why sia's breathe me has been on repeat.

a life of constant subtraction

it feels as if there is always, always a subtraction.

always this loss, this reduction - a friend with whom i have reached an impasse, the boy that is no longer, the job that has become work, the store that has shut its doors, the food that no longer gives such pleasure, the life that fails to satisfy.

the love that has deflated.

where is the addition? where is that new bliss? that extra thing that augments the human experience?

i am so exhausted of losing the things that bring me joy and being unable to replace them.

turning your back

it's tempting to be polite. to play nice. to be concerned. maybe even understanding. especially to people who seem to have always been around. but just because they've been around doesn't mean they've been there.

at first, it's about taking space. giving each other time to 'do you'. but the space isn't far enough. the time isn't long enough.

it's not about mood as much as it is about utility.

we grow. and that doesn't mean that we necessarily outgrow people.
(it really isn't a race)

but time grants perspective. and the ability to see things, people and places in a different light. a light, that perhaps, you weren't courageous enough to turn on earlier.

sometimes you have to say goodbye.

the brooklyn kid

who is the brooklyn kid?

he is a shorter, leaner, more freckled version of matt damon. we used to work together - lunch buddies. then i left and we didn't see each other for months. and then we started hanging out almost every weekend for a summer. some of my best times in dc were with him that summer.

one night, we went to a tiny little german restaurant on capitol hill. we ate outside in a garden, at a table lit with candles. he introduced me to the berliner weisse - a beer spiked with a raspberry syrup.

another we walked around the monuments in the wee hours of the morning until dawn. we talked about past relationships until the sun rose on the potomac.

i admit, i do not have the best situational awareness, and he was constantly looking after me. i didn't notice the guy passed out in the vestibule of his apartment building. or see the homeless guy coming towards me as we left the dubliner in sheets of rain at 1am. of course, i got caught up talking to the guy, while he ran towards the car and then had to come back for me - he didn't realize i had stopped.

i was devastated when he left dc. there were plenty of secret tears.

in short, he is one of my dearest friends. we always have a fantastic time together. and i'm certain scotland will be exceptional.

edinburgh, scotland

48 days until i leave for scotland!