and then hk calls..

i really wasn't sure if i would hear from him again. we got into it over text - and i'm not quite sure how we left it.

the thing is i love the man - i just can't go back to the way things were. i can't change it by myself. it's hard to believe a relationship can transition to something different, something better, when it's been that less than lovely thing for so long.

the bottom line is i'm not convinced and i don't know what it would take to get me there. i want to believe but i don't know if i can.

either way, i deserve something better. whether it's with him or someone else.

missing hk

i miss him today.

i'll admit it to myself. it explains why sia's breathe me has been on repeat.

a life of constant subtraction

it feels as if there is always, always a subtraction.

always this loss, this reduction - a friend with whom i have reached an impasse, the boy that is no longer, the job that has become work, the store that has shut its doors, the food that no longer gives such pleasure, the life that fails to satisfy.

the love that has deflated.

where is the addition? where is that new bliss? that extra thing that augments the human experience?

i am so exhausted of losing the things that bring me joy and being unable to replace them.

turning your back

it's tempting to be polite. to play nice. to be concerned. maybe even understanding. especially to people who seem to have always been around. but just because they've been around doesn't mean they've been there.

at first, it's about taking space. giving each other time to 'do you'. but the space isn't far enough. the time isn't long enough.

it's not about mood as much as it is about utility.

we grow. and that doesn't mean that we necessarily outgrow people.
(it really isn't a race)

but time grants perspective. and the ability to see things, people and places in a different light. a light, that perhaps, you weren't courageous enough to turn on earlier.

sometimes you have to say goodbye.

the brooklyn kid

who is the brooklyn kid?

he is a shorter, leaner, more freckled version of matt damon. we used to work together - lunch buddies. then i left and we didn't see each other for months. and then we started hanging out almost every weekend for a summer. some of my best times in dc were with him that summer.

one night, we went to a tiny little german restaurant on capitol hill. we ate outside in a garden, at a table lit with candles. he introduced me to the berliner weisse - a beer spiked with a raspberry syrup.

another we walked around the monuments in the wee hours of the morning until dawn. we talked about past relationships until the sun rose on the potomac.

i admit, i do not have the best situational awareness, and he was constantly looking after me. i didn't notice the guy passed out in the vestibule of his apartment building. or see the homeless guy coming towards me as we left the dubliner in sheets of rain at 1am. of course, i got caught up talking to the guy, while he ran towards the car and then had to come back for me - he didn't realize i had stopped.

i was devastated when he left dc. there were plenty of secret tears.

in short, he is one of my dearest friends. we always have a fantastic time together. and i'm certain scotland will be exceptional.

edinburgh, scotland

48 days until i leave for scotland!

i'm going to scotland

i'm going to scotland for a week with the brooklyn kid.
imagine that.

so happy with nothing

at a recent dinner, a girlfriend commented that 'we have become so happy with nothing'. and it stayed with me. perhaps the way she said it made it resonate so. with such loathing. with such disappointment. with complete and utter disgust. who are the 'we'? women? blacks? americans? me.

how do you get yourself moving after being satisfied with nothing for so long?
what makes you want more?

when the sun shines, we'll shine together

a bit of rihanna to get us going..

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

a life at low flame

One can live at a low flame. Most people do. For some, life is an exercise in moderation (best china saved for special occasions), but given something like death, what does it matter if one looks foolish now and then, or tries too hard, or cares too deeply?"
Diane Ackerman

The Art of Making Possible

My entrance into the world of so-called "social problems"
Must be with quiet laughter, or not at all.
The hollow men of anger and bitterness
The bountiful ladies of righteous degradation
All must be left to a bygone age.
And the purpose of history is to provide a receptacle
For all those myths and oddments
Which oddly we have acquired
And from which we would become unburdened
To create a newer world
To transform the future into the present.
We have no need of false revolutions
In a world where categories tend to tyrannize our minds
And hang our wills up on narrow pegs.
It is well at every given moment to seek the limits in our lives.
And once those limits are understood
To understand that limitations no longer exist.
Earth could be fair. And you and I must be free
Not to save the world in a glorious crusade
Not to kill ourselves with a nameless gnawing pain
But to practice with all the skill of our being
The art of making possible.

Nancy Scheibner

Between the Hammers

between the hammers
our heart endures,
just as the tongue does
between the teeth and,
despite that,
still is able to praise..

Rainer Maria Rilke

i run to pray.

nothing quiets me or humbles me so like a good run. and in those tortured moments it is so obvious how God can take me beyond myself. and afterwards, when my heart is still racing - and i am absolutely shocked that i made it through - all i can do is thank him and praise him for another run.

but it's not just the run i am thankful for it is every brick wall that he has brought me through. and if i can just keep believing he will keep doing it. and even when i can't believe. even when i am quite certain that i am done, if i can just force myself to take a few more steps, he will show up for me.

that crazy God always shows up for me.
thank you.

i don't want to lie. i can't tell the truth.

i don't want to lie. i can't tell the truth. so, it's over.

i hate lies.

the only thing i hate more than lies are the people who tell them.
to some closer was a movie about cheating. but to me, it seemed more about lying.
lying to yourself and the people you care about.

the worst part of the movie was that conversation towards the end with jude law and natalie portman.

jude law knew natalie portman had slept with clive owen (when jude law was with julia roberts) but he wanted to hear her say it. he knew natalie loved him, that she 'preferred him' but that wasn't enough. natalie wasn't with jude when she did it - but he wanted to know - not even know because he already knew - he wanted her to confess. it wasn't as if she cheated because they weren't together, jude law had already left her for julia roberts.

he wanted to humiliate her. to expose her. and it was so ugly.

that movie showed some of the worst of human behavior - manipulation.

tour fever - floyd landis

i spent most of july glued to my tv watching oln's coverage of tour de france.
addictive. absolutely addictive.

i've never watched the tour before but i was watching it twice a day.
i don't know if it was because i just got my very first road bike or what.
but i couldn't get away from it.

when floyd landis bonked in stage 16 i was heartbroken.
when he came back in stage17 - i was so inspired.
it was the ride of a lifetime.
incredible.

and now the rumors of testosterone patch on his scrotum.
i refuse to believe it.
refuse.

one dare not disobey

when a mystery
is too overpowering,
one dare not disobey.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

i taste oceans

head tilted
i taste oceans
i have never seen

turquoise waves
caress
thighs & arms

floating
towards oblivion

you whisper
my name
softly, sweetly
with a kiss

and i am revived

fallen blossoms

fallen blossoms do not return to branches;
a broken mirror does not again reflect.
Japanese Proverb

Sometimes there is the desire to move backwards. Perhaps to correct it somehow. As if it is in my power to improve the past, to make it manageable, to make it pretty.

Is it guilt?
Is it faithlessness?

The past cannot save you.
It need not condemn you either.

Move forward.
Let the petals lay where they fall.

despite the hunger

Despite the hunger
we cannot possess
more than this:
Peace
in a garden
of our own.
Alice Walker

like the numbers of a small child

"The only thing that makes me truly happy is mathematics, snow, ice, numbers. To me, the number system is like human life. First you have the natural numbers, the ones that are whole and positive, like the numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands, and the child discovers longing.

Do you know the mathematical expression for longing?

Negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you're missing something. Then the child discovers the in-between spaces, between stones, between people, between numbers, and that produces fractions. But it's like a kind of madness, because it doesn't even stop there. It never stops. There are numbers that we can't even begin to comprehend. Mathematics is a vast open landscape. You head towards the horizon that is always receding... like Greenland.

And that's... that's what I can't live without."

Smilla's Sense of Snow