It is said that men prefer the chase. Common advice is to let men think they are driving the relationship. This is the day and age of The Rules. I'm uninterested in the tricks and strategies of understanding and trapping men as if they were game. Basically, you pretend to be 'a good pre-feminist chick' so you can get the guy who prefers 'a good pre-feminist chick.' What happens when you want to go back to being your 'fabulous post-feminist self'? What happens when the leopard wants to show her spots?
DIVORCE. (imagine Taye Diggs saying this as he clinks his glass in Brown Sugar)
It's like buying a size 6 dress when you wear a size 12. One of three things is going to happen: A. The dress sits in the closet while you wear something that fits (A miserable marriage). B. The dress is either given away or returned (Divorce). C. You starve and exercise until you are an unhealthy and bitchy size 6 (Become his perfect wife).
No. Fucking. Way. Buy the 12 and be happy. Why waste the money and closet space? Marriage is hard enough when you get everything you want - why complicate it further with falsity? It cheats everyone including the audience which is usually your kids. I think a common problem in relationships is that people, both men and women, haven't done the work to figure out who they are and what they cannot tolerate.
That being said I know I'm type A. I'm aggressive and unabashedly so. I might be the proverbial Alpha female. Intense and expansive. If I know what I want, I'm trying to get it. If I'm having an impulse, chances are I'm going to act on it unless there is a compelling reason to do otherwise. I am convinced - most men do not like aggressive women. I'm not giving lip service to the myth - this is just my experience. Of course, most of the men I have dated vocalize a preference for independent and aggressive women who exhibit confidence and focus. Yet, a common denominator is the expectation that I will initiate all sex, dialogue and strategy within the relationship. Err.. Yes, I like initiating things but not everything all of the time. This becomes so tedious and BORING.
Just as there are women who choose to be led unthinking along a path not of their own choosing so there are men.
I don't want that man.
There is nothing sexier to me than a man who knows who he is, what he wants and is chasing it with an unprecedented fanaticism. That shit is powerful and what is sexier than power? Apparently, a woman who has relinquished it. Or a woman who never shares it.
A few months ago I read an interview in Allure with Ellen DeGeneres. She was saying that sometimes when she comes home at the end of the day she just wants to be "quiet and small" and how Portia de Rossi gets that. I love Ellen for getting that. Ellen, clearly a powerful, independent, and aggressive chick, admits that sometimes she wants to be "quiet and small." This instantly resonated in a meaningful way with me.
I'm almost 28. I've been with myself all my life. I'm an introspective chick. I know a lot of shit about myself. Including how fucking psycho I can seem at times and how eerily brilliant I can be. I've been told I'm a walking contradiction and that I have two speeds - on or off. I'm honest enough to recognize the truth in that. It's just finding someone who can deal with both the on and the off. Someone who will let me be quiet and small without requesting it and that is all the difference in the world.
I love driving. I love determining how fast I will travel, which lane I will be in and for how long. Not to say that I can't be a passenger. The secret truth is I want to be a passenger for a while. I need that "off" time. I need to be able to be "quiet and small." The thing is finding a driver whom I can trust. I need a driver with a certain level of intensity but not to the point my life is endangered. There must be good reason to trust his decision making skills as much or more than I trust my own.
2 comments:
Extremely interesting and clearly written. Let me say that first. The issues were articulated perfectly - ven from my perspective as a male, outsider, not part of, directly, the issue. I've always stumbled over this isue(s) - the aggresive female, the dominant male, etc. To be honest, I think that what I've found is that there actually DOES arise, at some point, a relationship which, in its maybe magical, or 'right' quality, puts each of these particulates aside as issues and just moves itself along. Maybe it's 'too much thought' or 'too much conscientious thinking' which gets in the way. I really don't know, except that there does exist between certain individuals, a realm where those issues disappear.
I don't know if I've said that right or clearly, but there it is.
Keep it up. Nice work.
Gary Introne
http://garyjin.blogspot.com
The secret truth is I want to be a passenger for a while. I need that "off" time. I need to be able to be "quiet and small." The thing is finding a driver whom I can trust. I need a driver with a certain level of intensity but not to the point my life is endangered. There must be good reason to trust his decision making skills as much or more than I trust my own.
Well said! I think that a woman with a sense of self that she must project to the rest of the world on a daily basis, needs a soft place to land, a relationship in which she can be subsumed. Being subsumed isn't a bad thing, but as you said, she must be able to trust her partner enough to fully know that he will not take advantage of her--but rather help her refuel so that she can "be big" the next day.
Be well, friend.
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